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Saturday, February 4, 2012

Why I’m worth stopping obsessive patterns and disciplining myself in every moment.

                When I’m moving through my day without any structure imposed upon me I have the tendency to become ‘lazy’ with my application. This is really shitty and hard for me to admit, because when I have a job or a deadline, I’m usually really good at moving myself. But when I have nothing but me to push me and move me, I’ve noticed I can get sloppy. The consequences of this are that I end up not having time to do all the things I want to do.
                But why bother? Why should I stop and face myself, when I can dilly-dally the day away without any real or immediate consequence.
First of all, I already see the self-deception and self-manipulation within the sentence ‘without any real or immediate consequences,” because I know very well that the consequences are very real and immediate. So reason number one is to avoid unnecessary consequences. The consequences are self-sabotage, wherein I take step backwards and ‘undo’ my progress. There’s also the physical damage I am doing to my skin, plus, the desire to pick it becomes greater when I’m not disciplined with me, because it stresses me out when I show myself that I’m not willing to do this for me.
                It’s like when dogs get stressed out because there’s no alpha to keep them in line. I need to be my own alpha! It’s not easy, at all, but I  am all I have, so if I can’t do this for myself then I am making the statement that I am nothing, I am not worth it, and I don’t deserve it. The truth is, I have been living within and as those beliefs for a while now, and it fucking sucks. It really has the potential to become a living hell, when all you do is compromise yourself and diminish yourself in this way, as I have done, or taught myself to do to cope with Life.
                But the thing is, I am Here, existing, living, doing, being- and nothing’s going to just magically change. I have to change me, therefore, I have to be the directive principle and lead myself to change, which involves discipline and structure. In this way, the ends and the means are the same thing, and it all leads to my own inner peace, as well as strength and stability, self-trust which creates confidence, integrity. Self-honesty which creates clarity and space within me.
                I actually enjoy my experience of myself when I do these things for me, so I am at the same time creating a self that is worth facing myself for. In facing myself and changing, I am creating a self that is worthy, that is deserving and a self that is everything really, because me, myself, is everything of me. So, why push myself to discipline myself and gain structure and self-movement? Because it gives me my life back and it creates me as an actual enjoyable experience of myself, which I had lost for a while there. Now I’m taking it back, and at the same time, giving it back to me because only I can separate myself like that. In this way, I am giving myself the gift of Life, which I am worthy of, which I deserve and which I am already.
Self first, because if we don't have ouselves, we have nothing.

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