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Friday, February 3, 2012

Little Baby Kimberly

Points have been coming up with regards to living with my parents for the past little while. I was not expecting this, but it's a great opportunity to explore myself through the reactions I have been having.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents within an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and annoyance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry with my parents because  I feel they are undermine my independence by trying to ‘parent’ me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents in anger because when they act like ‘parents’ to me, I feel they are not seeing that I am a mature, self-responsible adult who is capable of navigating her way through this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by looking at me and defining/judging myself as ‘a mature and self-responsible girl who is capable of navigating her way through this world.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need my parents to recognize that I am ‘mature and self-responsible’, and that they need to show me they have recognized it by treating me differently than they have been treating me for the last 30 years.
I allow myself to realize how ridiculous these reactions are, but how serious it is that I have allowed them to limit and define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/feel that I need my parents validation in the form of them treating me like a grown-up/adult/mature person, in order to accept myself as grown-up/adult/mature/self-responsible.
I accept and allow myself to validate my maturity, self-responsibility, adultness and grown-up-ness by actually living as these things in my daily life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by thinking/believing/perceiving that if my parents treated me a certain way I would in fact be a different way. Only I can change me, and those around me may never treat me differently no matter how much I change, so I might as well stop waiting (I’m only ever waiting for me).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility with the excuse that I’m waiting for others to validate my change to prove to me that it’s real.
 It’s real.
I allow myself to stop waiting for others to recognize my self-change, I let go of the expectation that others should treat me differently, and I allow myself to simply change me Here, breath by breath, without the need for  any form of validation or recognition whatsoever.
I do not accept or allow myself to rely on others, specifically my parents, to tell me who or what or how I am.
I do not accept or allow myself to fall back into old patterns of the parent-child relationship I was brought up with because they are comfortable and familiar.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking self-responsibility as hard and falling into the role of daughter as easy.
I do not accept or allow these patterns, habits and ‘the way people treat me’ to affect who or how I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my parents/family/environment has limited me. Only I have limited myself within the belief that I am defined by my parents/family/environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within the belief that my parents/family/environment defines me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to define me in order to know who and how I am, or who and how to be. I direct me to become who I am as Life in every moment and every breath.
I allow myself to walk into the uncertainty of not defining me, and not scripting out who I am/will be within a given situation, I allow myself to walk in self-trust with the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness and self-direction in every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger, frustration and annoyance towards my parents/environment to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry/anger, frustrated/frustration, annoyed/annoyance within and because of my accepted and allowed backchat, and my reactions to it, instead of breathing Here, in awareness and self-direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the backchat of the mind when my parents ‘parent’ me through giving me advice, making sure I have everything I need, checking to see how I’m doing, talking to me like a child, and asking me questions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become frustrate by myself because I have accepted and allowed this pattern to constantly and continuously repeat within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as annoyed because of separation as blame to/towards my parents because I believe they are ‘causing me’ to react, when in fact it is me reacting to my own backchat and insecurity as I reflect my self-judgment back to myself through my parents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself through self-judgment as I look at or see myself through the eyes of my parents, instead of realizing I am only judging myself through my own eyes, and  I am projecting my own beliefs of who I think my parents want me to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a thought/idea/belief of ‘who I think my parents want me to be’ onto my parents, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘be that’ to/towards them. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel or react within and as frustration, anger or annoyance because I am not being myself, or because I, in self-judgment, think believe or perceive that I am not ‘that’ which I desire to be, because of my projected belief of what I ‘should be’ as a ‘good daughter’ according to what I think or believe my parents ‘want’ me to be, which is actually my own projection.
I allow myself to let go of these thoughts, ideas and beliefs of what I think I should be as a ‘good daughter’, and I allow myself to just be.
I allow myself to be the self-direction that I need to be in order to not continue the patterns of reactions that are enslaving me and which are abusive to myself and those around me as I react to them.
I allow myself to be the discipline I require myself to be to stop myself from participating in the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and backchat, specifically here with regards to my parents and my interaction with them.
I allow myself to breathe though my reactions to my parents ‘parenting me’, and find the humour within and as this situation, as it is quite ‘typical,’ and any attempt for me to change it is pointless, I can only change me.
When I notice myself going into an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and/or annoyance to/towards my parents I STOP, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within and as humour/laughter, as I laugh in the face of my ego, which is apparently so fragile that my mother can topple it with a glance and my dad can crush it with his presence. I realize that the only way to transcend this point is by stopping my reaction to it, and by realizing that all the validation in the world won’t change who I am, only I can change me through self-direction and self-movement, within self-honesty, in time.

2 comments:

  1. Cool Daniel. "Constructive' 'accurate' 'planing' is kind of what this process is all about, because as one releases oneself from the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, etc... that tend to 'get in the way' of self-direction, one re-creates, or re-scripts (re-constructs) very specifically how one will proceed (acurately plan). It may be indistinguishable to them, but my inner experience of myself around my parents has been 'easy' and even 'fun' as I apply myself and let go of all my mind-created b.s. that can create a real inner-hell at times!

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