Anger in Focus

My experience with school throughout my life has not been an easy one for me. I was placed in special classes for slow learners at a young age and since then I have not really applied myself. I have always struggled in school and have had much difficulty with focus and my attention span. I have never been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but I have also never been tested. I found I was able to slip through the cracks in highschool and get by, passing all my classes. In college however, it was a different story, and I flunked out after my first year.

I have been appliying the Desteni tools for about 2 years. I started off slow and was impatient and overwhelmed by it at first, however, as I kept applying them I have been able to slow myself down and sort myself out. Within the Desteni proess I have pushed myself to go back to school- something I always wanted to do but was too scared to take the leap. Going back to school has involved me moving far away from my husband and the life we were creating together. It required me to humbly ask him to put our life on 'pause' for 2 years while I get my university degree. It also involved financial circumstances that would have otherwise freaked me out, but we have found ways to make it work by using the resources available to us. Needless to say, it has not been as simple as just signing up for some classes. I have had to reorganize my entire life to make this work, I utilized the Desteni tools to keep myself grounded throughout, and I am slowly walking this process now fully committed. The proof has been 'in the pudding' as they say. So within this blog I am tackling ADD-like tendencies that have caused me a lot of problems throughout my academic career, and in truth, I'm sick of it. I am fed up and I am ready to take the bull by the horns. Here I am writing out this point of anger and frustration within focusing myself on reading:

Yesterday I pushed myself through a possession while I was reading. I managed to do this for about 20 minutes. What came up was anger and discomfort within me wherein I become all fidgety and uncomfortable within myself as I pushed myself to focus on the text. I realized that this is not the case for every text, it only occurs when the text is more difficult, or when I am under the impression that I ‘have to’ read it by the demand of some authority. I have realized within my writing that I experience conflict within myself in terms of authority. It was not immediately obvious to me because I have not consistently ‘fought’ authority outright, only on a few rare occasions. On those occasions it was like an explosions of built up anger and resentment for ‘being told what to do’, or doing things I did not like doing and participating in backchat that the authority was not ‘just’, and then feeling angry at myself for fearing that authority, and complying out of fear.

                Within the point about the text being difficult, I realized that I was angry at the author for not explaining concepts simply. I felt judgmental towards the author because I felt his text was self-masturbation, I felt the examples were irrelevant to the real world, I felt I had better arguments than him and reading his text was a waste of my time. Within this I see ego revealing itself and upon this realization I feel embarrassed like I have been ‘called out’. I have been called out because I am calling myself out: I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego because it is not serving me in any way, and it is in fact getting in the way of my education due to its distracting me with anger and bringing me into a possession wherein I can’t focus on my readings..

Authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards the thought of authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry at the authorities in my life because I have not lived as an example of authority equal and one with myself, meaning, I have not been an authority of me in many areas of my life. Within this, I realize that when another demands of me to complete a task it is not their authority I am really reacting to, but rather my own lack of authority over and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define authority as bad/wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word authority with a negative charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge authority outside myself as just and unjust, instead of realizing that real authority can only ever come from within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry with myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become frustrated within myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the validation, excuses and justifications that have allowed me to develop a lack of self-authority over time. In other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in moments where self-authority is/was required of me, to instead abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind of/as excuses, validations and justifications and to instead not move me within and as self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from authority within the belief that it must only come from a figure of authority outside of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from authority figures in my world/the world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be and become equal to and one with authority within me, as self-authority, wherein I decide me and move me according to self-honesty and self-trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my anger and frustration towards authority to build up and accumulate within me, causing me to lose focus and become distracted, which triggers an entire pattern of anger/frustration/lack of authority.

Within this I realize that I am reacting to the point of authority as authority figures in my life because I have not accepted or allowed myself to develop self-authority over time, but have rather abdicated this responsibility to others, forcing them to ‘keep after me’ instead of me moving myself. I then become resentful and angry towards these outside authorities because I am projecting my own anger and frustration towards myself for not taking the necessary steps to be and become equal to and one with self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that authority is an imposition upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/believe that authorities must be obeyed out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority and authority figures in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obey authority out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself to obey authority out of fear of consequences.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to move myself within self-honesty and self-trust, but to instead abdicate that responsibility on to others who I regard as authorities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am less-than authority, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that an authority is bigger/stronger/more powerful than me, instead of realizing myself as equal to and one within and as self-authority and living this realization as who I am.

I define self-authority as moving me within self-honesty and self-trust, to live the words I speak. Within this, I understand that there are going to be certain things in life that I will have strong resistances towards for whatever reason, and I will, within self-authority, push myself to walk through these resistances and to change myself within and as them. I realize that I have to live in this system and work and go to school, and in order to work within and through this system and these responsibilities effectively I must be an authority in my own life, and not rely upon the authority of others to ensure that I see it through.

I accept and allow myself to be the self-authority that I require me to be with/for/as me.

I accept and allow myself to take the self-responsibility necessary in order for me to be and become self-authority.

I accept and allow myself to be and become one with and equal to the self-authority that I am.

I allow myself, in situations where I require to see something through, to assert myself within and as self-authority.

Within the point about the text being difficult, I realized that I was angry at the author for not explaining concepts simply. I felt judgmental towards the author because I felt his text was self-masturbation, I felt the examples were irrelevant to the real world, I felt I had better arguments than him and reading his text was a waste of my time. Within this I see ego revealing itself and upon this realization I feel embarrassed like I have been ‘called out’. I have been called out because I am calling myself out: I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego because it is not serving me in any way.

The Text is Difficult:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a reaction of anger to/towards the author of a text when I judge the text as ‘difficult’ or ‘complex.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a text as difficult instead of changing my approach to reading that text, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the author of a text because I have not taken the self-responsibility to change my approach to the reading.

By ‘changing my approach to reading’ I mean, for example, to set up an area that is clean and clear, with a dictionary close by, and to allow myself to take the text bit-by-bit, and take breaks in between. I can also read a bit of text and then sit with it for a moment to absorb it, before moving on to the next bit. I can prepare myself by writing myself out, out speaking self-forgiveness out loud before I begin reading, in order to make sure my mind is clear as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the egoic reaction of believing a text to be above or below me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of being above/below the ideas presented within a text, instead of realizing that whether or not I agree with the author, I can take the time to understand his/her argument without judgment/ego.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take the time to focus and understand an author’s arguments because of my participation within ego and judgment which creates backchat within me which causes anger and frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within backchat while reading certain specific texts, and In that, creating the energetic experience of anger/frustration/discomfort within me which I project on to the author of the text.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the author of the text for the anger that I create within and as myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am experiencing anger and frustration towards myself for desiring to ‘give up’ on trying to understand the text. Within this ‘giving up’ is a giving up on myself, which I have in fact participated in many times with regards to reading and concentration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give up’ on myself when I am confronted with what I define as ‘difficult’ texts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in moments of not understanding, become angry and frustrated (and ‘give up’ on me) instead of taking a moment to ‘cool down’ or clear my head and push through the resistance of making my way through a ‘difficult’ text.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to give up on myself when things are tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the idea that ‘it would be easier to give up on myself’ when I am confronted with a difficult task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a pattern of giving up on me which has accumulated into the resistances I now face within reading difficult texts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated when confronting difficult texts because of the belief that I am not capable of understanding.

I realize that within giving up and not pushing myself to direct myself through different approaches to reading ‘difficult’ texts, I am allowing myself to be and become the living statement that ‘I can’t do it’. I do not accept or allow this belief to exist within and as me because in reality I have never actually really asserted myself to stand within this situation.

I accept and allow myself to be the patience and persistence that I am in order to read and understand texts.

I accept and allow be self to be assertiveness, and to assert myself in situations that require me to push through or try new approaches.

I do not accept or allow myself to be the living statement that ‘I can’t do it’.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego and judgment of either the author or the text itself, when reading assigned readings for classes or any other texts.

In situations when I feel myself growing angry, frustrated, agitated and uncomfortable when I’m reading I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am playing out patterns of anger, frustration and ego. I allow myself in the moment to take the opportunity to stop this pattern before it starts, and change my approach to one that is based in patience and understanding. I understand how I created this pattern, and I move myself to create a more comfortable situation for myself so that I can push through the resistance, or take a small break if that is what I require. What I will not accept or allow myself to do is give up on me.

Looking at a Pattern

 

I woke up this morning, still feeling a little sick, and as I came downstairs to begin my day I felt a familiar pattern coming. I was really tired and my eyes were having trouble opening as I came down stairs. My head was heavy because of congestion and my feet were heavy. Within all this I judged myself as looking like a big ogre  fumbling around because I was still ‘half-asleep’. When I looked in the mirror I was surprised not to see a horrific sight. I just saw me, tired. And I felt bad for having judged myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in the mornings when I am tired and not ‘all done up’ and ‘ready to go’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to begin my day within immediate self-judgment without stopping myself and bringing myself back Here in awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  judge myself and to base my inner experience upon that judgment that is not even real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on the mind to dictate who or what I am upon waking up, instead of waking up in awareness and walking into the day as self-trust and self-direction.

The familiar pattern I felt was that ‘everything is a hard task’ and ‘I can do it later when I feel better’. Do it ‘later’ as if, at some later time I will feel perfect and I will have changed and I will have no problems moving me. But not now, now I have a whole list of excuses ready as to why I cannot do things right now. The pattern consist of the belief that I have to do everything right away, right now or else I’ll never do it, it will accumulate until it I too big, and it will become unmanageable.

This has, in the past, been a familiar play out. I had been struggling with this one before Desteni- before I had the tools to deal with it effectively. It is severe procrastination, and then it gets too big just throwing my hands up and saying ‘fuck it’, I’m not dealing with this. And then Life becomes this huge ball of accumulated consequences which I am still dealing with in so many ways.  “The sins of the past” as my dentist would say, as the consequences come back to haunt me.

I remind myself here that the only way through this is to take one thing at a time, and  to take it in a specific, well-directed way, in order to work through all the consequences of the past so that I can start doing it ‘the right way’ from the beginning. The ‘right way’ meaning, not in terms of right and wrong, but in terms of self-direction and procrastination- to direct my world right away, as things come up, and to see them through to completion, without any reactions. Reactions are not necessary, but it is almost impossible not to react when I put things off. It is really self-sabotage because not only do I set myself up to continue to experience the consequences of it, but I also set myself up to react, to judge myself, to feel insecure because I haven’t proven my self-trust that I will do what I need to do.

When I put things off it’s because of extreme resistances that I believe to be true/real but are not. This means I am still depending on my internal experience of myself to dictate who and how I am, and what I am able to do and not do. This leaves me within absolute abdication to my mind, which is like an ogre that fumbles around and barely makes it through the day. I do not allow this to be who I am.

Every time I push through these make believe walls I am fine, I come out on the other side having expanded and having gained a little bit of myself back. Every time I stand up in the face of my beliefs that I am not able, I give a little of myself back to me, as the most precious gift anyone could ever give themselves. One which only I can give me because I am the one who ‘gave myself away’ in the first place. I gave myself away to the beliefs that I am too weak or too small to stand in the face of my very own beliefs. I created those beliefs, so now I am responsible to un-create them, which involves constantly and consistently reminding myself that they are not who I am, they do not dictate what I am capable of, and they do not represent my limitations. I have proven to myself time and time again that I am able to direct myself and my world.

But I have spent my whole life believing I am whatever my mind conjures up. I have spent decades believing I am limited to that which my mind conjures up, and the multitude of limitations my mind bombards me with so as not to have to face me, my life, reality. Till here no further. I will not continue on with this charade of limitation. I allow myself now, to step beyond my beliefs as limitations, and into the world of unscripted self-direction. This is where I decide who, what and how I am, and I will not decide until I push myself to see just how far I can go. But this involves patience, as I gently push me, little by little, every day. Constant and consistent application is the only way.

Sharing Desteni with Friends and Family

When I first found and started watching the Desteni videos I kept it to myself. I projected this belief that the internet has a stigma, and anything found online that goes against normally accepted standards and practices was in a category along with conspiracy theories, crazy people, paranoia, and/or just plain lies. Before I started watching, learning and understanding the Desteni material, I had been watching lectures by people like Maurice Cotterell, I especially liked the one where he proposed a new design for the atom, one that explained how or why they don’t just spring apart. It made sense, and I liked the fact that he was challenging modern science, which I felt left open a lot of holes and lack of understanding, even though it seemed to claim to ‘have all the answers.’

As I watched and understood things like this, I began sharing them with my husband and family. They found it very interesting too. It was a very different path for me to be taking, becoming interested in all this stuff. What I was really interested in was questioning the norm, questioning my accepted beliefs and questioning reality, and I really liked looking into people who were doing the same thing, but actually coming up with better answers. However, I found talking about it all got old fast, because what was the point? Telling people about it wasn’t going to change anything, all it did was upset people’s worldviews. And for what? Nothing, because learning all this stuff was really just filling my head with facts and theories and beyond that – nothing happened. It was just entertainment.  So I accepted that. I decided that it was just entertainment and I would keep it to myself as a hobby or interest when I have nothing to do because I didn’t have television at the time.

But then I happened upon a Desteni video. It really struck me to the core. I watched some more because I really wanted to understand what was being said. I began to think of all my questions that were left unanswered by the other people and groups, only to find that Desteni addressed literally every single question I had. It answered it in full detail, and it fit the answer in to the bigger whole or reality. I kept it to myself because I felt I had already gone overboard with talking about other stuff I had seen online, and Desteni material was quite challenging, not to reality or worldviews, but to who we are as people within that reality. How our own internal nature created that reality, thus making us responsible in every way, and this responsibility starts with ourselves.  

In a way, this is all quite empowering, because once you take responsibility for something you then have the power to change it. This is a huge part of the understanding or message of Desteni. The more responsibility we take for ourselves and our reality, the more we can change it, so let’s start right now because there’s a lot of suffering going on. Slowly I learned about self-forgiveness and I tried it out for myself. I had seen it actually working with other people online, and I could really relate to what they were going through, so I began to do it, and it began to work for me too. This is when my desire to share Desteni became strong. Here I had found something that was totally empowering, that worked, that could actually give you back complete control over your life, and I was doing it myself, and it was changing my life so much, so of course I wanted to share it with those I cared about. However the portal aspect of it was a big problem for me.  I was really worried that people would think I was crazy for accepting the existence of such a thing. I would have.

I had really been on a self-created mission before I found Desteni, one that was challenging my worldview like crazy because I was fed up with not understanding the world and reality, and with all sorts of unexplained things. I had previously felt quite limited by my scepticism in anything even slightly occult or supernatural. I was challenging myself to be open minded, by reading Jung and watching the videos online that I mentioned before, Maurice Cotterell about the atom and he also goes into astrology, and other science like string theory and quantum physics. This was really pushing my limits, so when I came upon Desteni I had become open-minded. I remember reading Jung’s “Memories, Dream and Reflections” where he talks about all sorts of strange and bizarre stuff happening in his life. I would literally pass out because my mind would just shut down at the thought of these things. I could not accept it. But that made me mad, because here I had come to respect Jung and his work for quite some time, and now I was reading this book about occult phenomena and I was physically unable to accept it. I forced myself to finish the book, even though it took months. I had gone through something in that period where I had to physically force myself to have an open mind. I realized and was very aware that I had gone through this, so when I thought about sharing Desteni, which in included the portal aspect, I thought to myself that my friends and family are probably in the position I was in before I forced myself to be open minded. If I look at myself back then, I see that I would in no way, shape or form accept the existence of the portal, and I would distance myself from anyone who believed in such things. So I was really worried about being ostracized.

When I became more comfortable with self-forgiveness and self-honesty, and as I applied them and started to empower myself to not be controlled by my fear of what others may think, and as I understood that I am my own person and no one can take that away from me or diminish me, I shared Desteni. I told my husband about it. He was reasonably sceptical. I showed him a video or two and he didn’t really believe in it, although he heard what was being said, he felt the messenger was unnecessary, and that it was a good gimmick and good marketing. I was disappointed, but I left it at that.

I told a neighbour about it and he thought it was just plain crazy. Then I got a new job in a kitchen with a bunch of other girls. I started talking to them about the empowering things I has been learning about. I could see they were affected by it. So when I was over at the house of the girl I had really clicked with, I decided to show her a video. She watched one and felt it had enough red flags to be considered a cult. I didn’t tell her that all the stuff I had been talking about at work came from these videos. I just dropped it. That’s when I stopped trying to share it.

As time went on though, Desteni become an increasingly big part of my life, as I was becoming more driven and more dedicated to myself, and I was really changing myself. My husband always asks me what I’m thinking, and before, when I was thinking about Desteni, I would lie so I didn’t have to talk about it. But as I began to become more self-honest, I realized, this is who I am, I can’t deny the impact this is all having on me, I’m going to start being honest about it, and if he decides I’m crazy and wants to leave me, then that is what I’ll have to deal with. So I began to talk about it only when he would happen to ask, or if it were relevant to the conversation. It was not easy, but I stood my ground. It’s still not exactly comfortable, but we communicate very well and we have explained to each other where we stand and what we think. He doesn’t have to believe it or accept it, that doesn’t really affect me. But he sees the change and he listens to how I work things out with my tools, and that is undeniable because he witnesses it with his own eyes.

Now I talk about it with him whenever I want because I know he has accepted the fact that this is what I do now and the results have really not affected our relationship. Because the tools have made me ‘more me’, my involvement with the material has actually benefitted my relationship. I am more open and honest with him about everything, and we are creating an environment of self-honesty and trust within which we can share ourselves with each other freely and unconditionally. It’s really actually quite amazing.

I have decided not to talk about Desteni directly with my family. I only speak to them about things that I have lived for myself, meaning I have become the ‘source’ of the information because I am not talking about what someone else did or said, I talk only about what I did or how I handled something for myself. I talk to them about the leadership training, the group in South Africa, the principles and practices, the equal money system.... basically everything but the portal. I will let that come out in time, allowing them to decide when. But the reality is that the portal aspect of the whole thing can be completely removed, and nothing really changes. I don’t feel as if I’m hiding anything from my family because I’m telling them about everything I’m doing, exactly what my plans are, and how I’m doing it all. They know where I stand and what I stand for, and I enjoy talking about it all with them very much. I happened upon Desteni on my own, so maybe one day they will do the same and then they can figure out for themselves where they stand. And no matter how they react, I will stand by everything I have said and done, because I have lived and proven it for myself.

In terms of friends- I don’t talk about it. I don’t see them often enough for them to see the kind of effect or impact I am having on myself by applying the tools, so it’s not in their reality. They are all on facebook where I share my process, so I have no idea how much they know or how much attention they give it. There was a time when I was too scared to share any of it online, but I realized that I found it for myself online, so it would be selfish to just keep it for myself and hide my involvement. I realize that the more people that know about this and become involved in it- the better, because it creates an awareness about who you are and how the world is, and it will be a catalyst for change because it’s about taking responsibility, and the responsibility is undeniable.  If people call me crazy well, like I said, I don’t really see anybody often enough for it to have a real impact on me, so it doesn’t really matter. And if I share myself unconditionally, people will see the change in me, and it will be undeniable as it is for those around me. But I’m still working on sharing myself unconditionally and making videos etc... because of who I was before I pushed myself to have an open mind. I would have been one of the ones calling ‘witch’ and ‘cult’. Definitely- that was me. So now I fear that in others, but with self-forgiveness, I’ll get over that too.

Why I’m worth stopping obsessive patterns and disciplining myself in every moment.

                When I’m moving through my day without any structure imposed upon me I have the tendency to become ‘lazy’ with my application. This is really shitty and hard for me to admit, because when I have a job or a deadline, I’m usually really good at moving myself. But when I have nothing but me to push me and move me, I’ve noticed I can get sloppy. The consequences of this are that I end up not having time to do all the things I want to do.

                But why bother? Why should I stop and face myself, when I can dilly-dally the day away without any real or immediate consequence.

First of all, I already see the self-deception and self-manipulation within the sentence ‘without any real or immediate consequences,” because I know very well that the consequences are very real and immediate. So reason number one is to avoid unnecessary consequences. The consequences are self-sabotage, wherein I take step backwards and ‘undo’ my progress. There’s also the physical damage I am doing to my skin, plus, the desire to pick it becomes greater when I’m not disciplined with me, because it stresses me out when I show myself that I’m not willing to do this for me.

                It’s like when dogs get stressed out because there’s no alpha to keep them in line. I need to be my own alpha! It’s not easy, at all, but I  am all I have, so if I can’t do this for myself then I am making the statement that I am nothing, I am not worth it, and I don’t deserve it. The truth is, I have been living within and as those beliefs for a while now, and it fucking sucks. It really has the potential to become a living hell, when all you do is compromise yourself and diminish yourself in this way, as I have done, or taught myself to do to cope with Life.

                But the thing is, I am Here, existing, living, doing, being- and nothing’s going to just magically change. I have to change me, therefore, I have to be the directive principle and lead myself to change, which involves discipline and structure. In this way, the ends and the means are the same thing, and it all leads to my own inner peace, as well as strength and stability, self-trust which creates confidence, integrity. Self-honesty which creates clarity and space within me.

                I actually enjoy my experience of myself when I do these things for me, so I am at the same time creating a self that is worth facing myself for. In facing myself and changing, I am creating a self that is worthy, that is deserving and a self that is everything really, because me, myself, is everything of me. So, why push myself to discipline myself and gain structure and self-movement? Because it gives me my life back and it creates me as an actual enjoyable experience of myself, which I had lost for a while there. Now I’m taking it back, and at the same time, giving it back to me because only I can separate myself like that. In this way, I am giving myself the gift of Life, which I am worthy of, which I deserve and which I am already.
Self first, because if we don't have ouselves, we have nothing.

               

Little Baby Kimberly

Points have been coming up with regards to living with my parents for the past little while. I was not expecting this, but it's a great opportunity to explore myself through the reactions I have been having.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents within an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and annoyance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry with my parents because  I feel they are undermine my independence by trying to ‘parent’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents in anger because when they act like ‘parents’ to me, I feel they are not seeing that I am a mature, self-responsible adult who is capable of navigating her way through this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by looking at me and defining/judging myself as ‘a mature and self-responsible girl who is capable of navigating her way through this world.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need my parents to recognize that I am ‘mature and self-responsible’, and that they need to show me they have recognized it by treating me differently than they have been treating me for the last 30 years.

I allow myself to realize how ridiculous these reactions are, but how serious it is that I have allowed them to limit and define me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/feel that I need my parents validation in the form of them treating me like a grown-up/adult/mature person, in order to accept myself as grown-up/adult/mature/self-responsible.

I accept and allow myself to validate my maturity, self-responsibility, adultness and grown-up-ness by actually living as these things in my daily life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by thinking/believing/perceiving that if my parents treated me a certain way I would in fact be a different way. Only I can change me, and those around me may never treat me differently no matter how much I change, so I might as well stop waiting (I’m only ever waiting for me).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility with the excuse that I’m waiting for others to validate my change to prove to me that it’s real.

 It’s real.

I allow myself to stop waiting for others to recognize my self-change, I let go of the expectation that others should treat me differently, and I allow myself to simply change me Here, breath by breath, without the need for  any form of validation or recognition whatsoever.

I do not accept or allow myself to rely on others, specifically my parents, to tell me who or what or how I am.

I do not accept or allow myself to fall back into old patterns of the parent-child relationship I was brought up with because they are comfortable and familiar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking self-responsibility as hard and falling into the role of daughter as easy.

I do not accept or allow these patterns, habits and ‘the way people treat me’ to affect who or how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my parents/family/environment has limited me. Only I have limited myself within the belief that I am defined by my parents/family/environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within the belief that my parents/family/environment defines me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to define me in order to know who and how I am, or who and how to be. I direct me to become who I am as Life in every moment and every breath.

I allow myself to walk into the uncertainty of not defining me, and not scripting out who I am/will be within a given situation, I allow myself to walk in self-trust with the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness and self-direction in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger, frustration and annoyance towards my parents/environment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry/anger, frustrated/frustration, annoyed/annoyance within and because of my accepted and allowed backchat, and my reactions to it, instead of breathing Here, in awareness and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the backchat of the mind when my parents ‘parent’ me through giving me advice, making sure I have everything I need, checking to see how I’m doing, talking to me like a child, and asking me questions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become frustrate by myself because I have accepted and allowed this pattern to constantly and continuously repeat within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as annoyed because of separation as blame to/towards my parents because I believe they are ‘causing me’ to react, when in fact it is me reacting to my own backchat and insecurity as I reflect my self-judgment back to myself through my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself through self-judgment as I look at or see myself through the eyes of my parents, instead of realizing I am only judging myself through my own eyes, and  I am projecting my own beliefs of who I think my parents want me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a thought/idea/belief of ‘who I think my parents want me to be’ onto my parents, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘be that’ to/towards them. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel or react within and as frustration, anger or annoyance because I am not being myself, or because I, in self-judgment, think believe or perceive that I am not ‘that’ which I desire to be, because of my projected belief of what I ‘should be’ as a ‘good daughter’ according to what I think or believe my parents ‘want’ me to be, which is actually my own projection.

I allow myself to let go of these thoughts, ideas and beliefs of what I think I should be as a ‘good daughter’, and I allow myself to just be.

I allow myself to be the self-direction that I need to be in order to not continue the patterns of reactions that are enslaving me and which are abusive to myself and those around me as I react to them.

I allow myself to be the discipline I require myself to be to stop myself from participating in the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and backchat, specifically here with regards to my parents and my interaction with them.

I allow myself to breathe though my reactions to my parents ‘parenting me’, and find the humour within and as this situation, as it is quite ‘typical,’ and any attempt for me to change it is pointless, I can only change me.

When I notice myself going into an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and/or annoyance to/towards my parents I STOP, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within and as humour/laughter, as I laugh in the face of my ego, which is apparently so fragile that my mother can topple it with a glance and my dad can crush it with his presence. I realize that the only way to transcend this point is by stopping my reaction to it, and by realizing that all the validation in the world won’t change who I am, only I can change me through self-direction and self-movement, within self-honesty, in time.

Stopping My Reaction to Disagreement - Learning to Live as an Equal

I want to write out the point that caused me to react when an individual responded to my blog.

I felt scared, fear, why?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear-based reaction when I saw that someone had responded a long response to my blog.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear a being’s reaction to my blog because it all of a sudden made it ‘real’, as in, something I had to stand by.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear standing by my words as an act of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself in every moment/every way.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to write a blog and post it without first checking to see if I can stand by each word and statement within it. And, if I did check, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-doubt, wherein I allowed myself to doubt my words, my principles and my understanding of the system. I stand within and as self-responsibility within knowing that if I am ever wrong I will stand corrected, because my goal is not to be right, it is to understand, to become equal and one to the reality that is here within that understanding, and that will involve learning things for the first time, which inevitably means I will be wrong about things.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong about things, instead of realizing that I am in a learning process.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn within and as and according to myself as ego, instead of realizing that only myself as ego gets hurt and bruised, and within that I ‘get in the way’ of learning as one and equal to the information that is here.

Within this statement I see a belief or perception of myself as ‘already knowing’, or even superiority, because if I fear being ‘knocked down’ it means I hold the idea, perception or belief that I am ‘up’ ‘above’, because only then can I believe I am able to be knocked down.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am diminished if I am wrong.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I can be diminished/diminish myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong for fear of losing my credibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a personality that requires credibility to exist, when in fact I am Here, unquestionably existing. Only something that is not real, such as a created personality, requires being credible/believed by others. If I feel the need to convince others into believing something about me/of me, then that is deception indicating I am not already living it into reality/myself as the living application.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live myself out as personalities that are not real and require me to act in ways that I perceive are ‘credible’ to others outside of me, instead of making myself real through the directed living application of the principles I stand by.

In this way, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use deception to create and feed the personalities I live within and as.

I allow myself to let go of these created personality manifestations and to instead live Here, real, physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am ‘already knowing’, thus separating myself within and as knowledge and information which I believe myself to possess.

I realize that I only truly ‘know’ that which I have understood and lived into application through my action/living application in the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive myself to be superior because of knowledge that I have collected and gathered as if it were a possession.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by my possession of knowledge, within which I believe myself to be superior to another, instead of realizing that nobody is above anybody else, we are one group, and we are all equal in the physical.

I allow myself to be the humility required to exist one and equal to what’s Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that knowledge and information is something tangible that I can possess to make me more than I am.

I realize that in holding the belief that ‘I can be more’ necessarily implies that I believe myself to be less -than.

I allow myself to be what I am, Here in the physical, and to let go of the energetic desire to be more than what I am, and to let go of the energetic belief that I am less than what I am. What I am is a physical being, Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that being a physical being Here is limited, because of the experience of the unlimited indulgence of the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the mind of thoughts, feeling and emotions is unlimited.

I realize that the mind limits me in physical reality, because within its limitlessness I get lost, and I avoid facing me Here, and I also use it to avoid facing reality. It is only an illusion which I make real by believing, while actual reality passes by in each breath.

Back to the main point:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become intimidated by the reply to my blog because it was written intelligently/intellectually/elitist/academically and it made me feel inferior.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not able to understand things that are written is a certain specific way that I judge them as ‘too confusing’ or ‘too intelligent’ for me to understand.

I realize that with time and patience I am able to understand even very complex concepts.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become intimidated by intellectuals because I feel inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself separate myself by defining some as intellectual and others as not intellectual, and I’ve placed value judgments on each.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of intellectual/un-intellectual, thus creating friction and energy within me as I bounce back and forth within fear, desire and judgment/self-judgment.

I realize we are all simply Here, we understand what we can, we do as much as we practically can with what we are given/born with. Within this limitation we are equal, we are equally limited by the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear people attacking or disagreeing with me, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict in my world.

I do not accept or allow myself to take criticism, disagreement or ‘attacks’ personally.

I allow myself to understand that it is not about me, only that which I react to is about me and the acceptances and allowances I have not faced, that which others react to is about them.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others that do not agree with me.

I do not accept or allow myself to think, believe or perceive myself to be superior to any being ever.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive myself to be inferior to any being ever.

When I am disagreed with or confronted I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that reacting to the ‘conflict’ is in fact creating it, and I instead allow myself to be one and equal to the conflict within not resisting it, and by listening to and understanding both sides, and looking for practical solutions that are best for all. Within this, conflict can be diffused. Where conflict cannot be diffused, I simply do not participate.