My Breakup with Alcohol

Alcohol has always been accepted, encouraged and celebrated in all spheres of my life: by family, friends and even at work. Learning how to drink is almost a rite of passage where I'm from, and youth start going to bars around the age of 14.

I was a late bloomer at 16. My family gatherings revolved heavily around drinking, which is normal here. I started working at a bar when I was 18 and I don't even know if I was an alcoholic because drinking everyday was just so normal in all aspects of my life and I never even considered stopping.

The first time I questioned my drinking habits is when a man drove me home from working at the bar one night. He used to come in and drink cranberry juice and be an asshole to me during my shift, but would often drive me home as he was always sober at closing time. One night on the drive home. he gave me a lecture, Something along the lines of "what are you doing with your life... look at yourself... what the hell are you thinking..." etc etc... at this point I was 22. I remember bursting out in tears when I got out of the car. I was so drunk I stumbled in to bed, and when I got up to go to the bathroom I tripped over something and went flying across my room on to the floor. This is when I realized I had absolutely no control. This was the first time I ever prayed for help, but all I felt was a dark emptiness inside me.

This didn't stop me from continuing, because from my point of view, it didn't matter. I had dropped out of school already and had no obligations in life except to pay my bills, which I paid by getting drunk at work. In fact, the more I drank, the more money I made, because customers would buy me drinks and then tip me on them.

At 23 I got married and moved to the U.S, but I still drank every night, I smoked weed too. My husband and I got in to a discussion one night about alcoholism and he told me I was an alcoholic. This was the first time I stopped drinking for a period, but only to prove him wrong, and I started up again soon after.

When I found desteni I realized I needed to stop these habits. Weed went first because I saw the videos explaining the actual consequences of smoking weed first. At that time I cut down on drinking, but I would still go all out some nights.

But I didn't stop altogether because I didn't think it mattered if I had a few drinks every now and again.

Because of desteni I soon went back to school, which involved moving back to my hometown where I could afford the education. With the deseni tools I eventually got to a point where I was only drinking at family gatherings or social events. Also, because of desteni, I knew I had to face that bar I used to work in, because that's where I felt I had no control over my drinking. I went back there and asked for shifts, which they gave me. The first shift I couldn't resist. I drank with the customers and everybody was happy to see me and wanted to buy me shots and I allowed it. The second shift I resisted a bit at first, but then caved in. So I took a break and stayed away from the place. But then, on the last day of exams last semester I made an excuse to drop by the bar, and the bartender offered me a celebratory drink. Next thing I knew, many people were buying me drinks and I was having a "good time" and "celebrating all my hard work". The night ended up with me going out for a smoke with a customer and bringing him in the back alley under an awning out of the rain. He slipped and fell on the ice and he lay in a puddle unconscious. I had to call an ambulance. I rode in the ambulance and waited in the emergency room and when I learned he would be fine I went home. This was NOT COOL.

I did NOT want to have to face any more manifested consequences for the stupid SHIT I would do while drunk.

Soon after I watched a desteni video which uttered the words "alcohol is the manifestation of self-defeat." Those words struck me to the core. This was not too long ago, I can't remember exactly when, but that's when I made the decision to stop -permanently.

After a re-commitment to process and much writing and self-forgiveness, I was able to go without drinking for a long period of time. When I felt that through self-forgiveness and a clear understanding of why I must do this through investigating desteni vids, I decided to test my application. I accepted two shifts at the bar.

I did self-forgiveness before the shifts and remained in breath throughout them, and with these tools I was finally able to -in the face of intense pressures and old habits, simply direct myself in the moment and say no, confidently, over and over throughout both 8 hour shifts -and it was easy!

What I realized was that through consistent application of self-forgiveness I feel lighter and less suppressed. I would normally drink through these shifts to pass time and to deal with people in the intense one-on-one situations I have to face with strangers as a bartender, but when these situations arose they were like a million little re-confirmations of my decision. During the night, people stopped noticing that I wasn't drinking because I was able to be open and conversational and confident, which were things I used to only be able to achieve with the "social lubricant" that would make all my anxieties go away.

During these shifts the ones who drank the most and offered me the most drinks were the management. By the end of the night they can barely walk, and I am the one standing. They were saying emotional things to me, words which I would never throw around about how important I was to them and how they were going to miss me during the summer when I go home, but if they really cared, they would not have drank to the point where they will not remember this time together that they claim to be so valuable.

I also just had a family gathering tonight and proved to myself once more, with ease, that my decision to quit alcohol is absolute. Nobody even noticed that I didn't drink tonight, because it didn't even matter to me anymore.

With self-forgiveness and corrective application, I know that I will never allow myself to participate in manifested self-defeat again, because I will never diminish myself that way, and the amazing thing is that this was so easy once I made the decision.

I will not pursue anymore shifts at that bar because I don't want to participate in facilitating others to abuse themselves in this way, but I am not saying I will never work there again. I still have people to face there completely, and I also think it's good for me to refuse drinks while still able to have a good time, to show others that this is possible and easy. A couple girls my age came in to the bar I saw what I was doing, and in the taxi on the way home, one of the managers said he needed to stop doing this. I told him it was in his control to do so, when normally I would have justified it for him.

So, I just wanted to share my breakup with alcohol, thanks to consistent application of the desteni tools, it finally became easy.

Response from Fidelis:
"Wow, that was awesome.
I had a similar experience when I went to a Music Festival with friends and i used to drink alot with my friends there. But the last time I went to the festival i didn't drink any alcohol.

The Desteni tools assisted me to get to that point, because it assisted me in realizing the reasons why i drank in the first place - to get away from it all, to fit in with a certain group, drowning sorrows, not wanting to face myself.

Its hectic shit.


Thanks for sharing."

_________________


Quote: Fidelis
The Desteni tools assisted me to get to that point, because it assisted me in realizing the reasons why i drank in the first place - to get away from it all, to fit in with a certain group, drowning sorrows, not wanting to face myself.
Ya. I find that now that I'm not existing by fear, insecurity or just feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, I can just 'be myself' in a group, which allows me to 'fit in' more than ever before. Because when we drop all the bullshit of trying to belong or trying to be a certain way, we are ALL a part of the group, whether we know it or not. Inter-personal relationships are more authentic and consistent here, which frees up space to just be.

But in situations where it's intense and I don't feel like I can just be myself, it's cool to not participate, not feed the situation, just be neutral and breathe. These are the situations, at the bar that night, where I was really challenged in the moment, because in these situations the other person expects you to react, and you just don't and they're left hanging in their fantasy or whatever it is they're in.


Quote:Fidelis
Its hectic shit.
That's for sure. But it's like swimming, constant movement and splashing and stimulation around you while consistent self-movement in the moment leads to smooth navigation through the water. That's how it felt at the bar those two nights. So much going on around me but within me only clear directive and directing.

I realize it may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was for two reasons: One, because that place had conquered me for so many years. And two, because I never thought I could face it, and I did, and it was EASY!! So cool.

"stcuk in' the middle with me

I have basically banished myself to my room with my books to study for two exams which I'd like to feel prepared for. I experience pain in the right shoulder when I do this, push myself too hard and then end up being less effective.

So, today was not a great one, but after reading the writing of some others just now I found much support. Today I really struggled with my course material, at the same time being aware that I am the cause of this struggle through backchat, also going through the "growing pains" of pushing myself through the process of learning new information. It feels so bad to push though, especially when it goes on for days. But I'm going to enjoy every painful moment of this.

Thank you Matti and Martijn, this would have been a very different experience which I may have resigned to in defeat, had it not been for your support through your sharing.

Now, instead of defeat, I am ready to get "stuck in" my process anew!

Backchat splat

I'm really not enjoying this digging around in my past project I've been avoiding. I hate doing it and I hate what I've written about it. It seems stupid and irrelevant and like I'm trying to make a big deal out of stupid shit because it seemed like a big deal to me but it's just smoke and mirrors so now 'i feel dumb.

Ok, so there's some revealing backchat. So, my scary sea monster is turning out not to be so scary after all. How I feel about this is like a a serious dumbass for carrying around these apparent "deep dark secrets" that have bred self-loathing and self-hate, when it was me creating them the whole time and making them seem so real.

Now all that time spent feeling like shit when I could have forgiven myself is gone.

Well, I might as well finish because I have to go through the motions one way or another.

Nostalgia - Missing myself in the Moment

My experience today walking around percival was revealing and unexpected. I thought I had no nostalgia for that place, but tonight in the rain I became overwhelmed.

When I left montreal it was a clean cut, I left everything and I didn't look back. Now, ten years later, seeing my old house and the street where I spent so much time, the trees I used to climb, the parks I used to play in (then drink, smoke and do mushrooms in). Everything was exactly the same, and I realized I knew every crack in the path in the park and how it would feel to step on it, and I knew every limb of every tree, I could tell which limbs were missing, which trees were missing, I even saw an old painting I had done on a wall in the train yard.

It felt like absolute proof that I had existed, it was really sad and I had a lot of memories of my dog come up and lonely walks with him. So, because I had such a big reaction to this experience I'm going to put my other project on pause for one more night.

I tried to deal with this once I realized what was going on. At first I jumped all over the reaction because of an old habit, pre-desteni I thought it was a defect that I never felt strongly about anything. I would force myself to cry at funerals and act really excited when appropriate, so whenever I did actually feel something I would try to feed it and grow it, thinking it was making me more human. Now I'm glad I was that way, although it did enough damage that I'm required to do much sf on. So when I started to feel nostalgic I went in to feeding it and nursing it, trying to cry to show myself I existed. When I finally squeezed out a tear I felt like a fraud, then I remembered that this is a no-no.

It was really hard to see through it at first, but I managed talk talk myself back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on who I was/who I have been in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mourn losing a part of myself as my mind, as my mind-created definition of who I am as a personality based on life experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling of nostalgia sadness and sorrow, manifested by my mind as enslavement, as the enslavement of me through my addiction to the energetic emotional charges triggered by images in my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recycle old feelings of lostness and loneliness that I felt as a child, and then feel sad as if I miss those feelings, or that I miss myself or who I was. As if in my not participating I will be missing something important, or something of myself will be missed or forgotten.

Then, as I was walking and realizing how I knew every crack in the sidewalk and every puddle and plant, I realized that everything is still here, and I am here with it, as my physical body at least. The only thing that was missing was my mind, who was so busy missing that place so much that it totally missed it in fact! My mind was so occupied in memories and nostalgia that it was not present in the moment to be with what it was missing.

So, lots more breath and lots more walking until the reaction stopped.
A really cool realization for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss rocky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself as who I was in relation to rocky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mourn the loss of myself as a part of my self-definition when rocky died.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame, remorse and regret from everything I should have done for/with rocky before he died, which I now manifest as an experience for myself every time I think of him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with all this sadness I have associated with who I was and with rocky dying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the sadness I experience in relation to rocky's death as a means to feel more like a human being that is real and has real experiences because she feels.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require emotions to be human.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe emotions are proof I exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe emotions are real simply because I feel them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my mind to tell me what is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe an experience is more profound if I associate emotions with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use emotions to avoid facing myself Here in every moment.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require validation of my realness through emotions, which are not real at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss what 'I had' with rocky, not realizing that 'what I had' I had with myself.

What I had with Rocky was a closeness unlike anything I had ever known, a communication and understanding I never experienced with a human. There was trust and no bullshit. But now I see that I separated myself from having that relationship with myself by projecting it on to rocky. When he died I was probably so sad because I thought I would never have that type of relationship again. But I can have that type of relationship within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sel-fcommunication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self-understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self-trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from a no-nonsense relationship within myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I did not deserve rocky's trust, when it is my own trust I do not feel I deserve.

I allow myself to trust myself.
I allow myself to have closeness and understanding with myself.
I allow myself to have no bullshit with myself.
I allow myself to have unconditional communication within myself.

Uncovering the Root cause of my PHOBIA

I wanted to explore my phobia of dark water. I've had it since I was little, I can remember a time when I didn't have it though, but that is only one memory and I was still pretty nervous about it.

My most vivid early memories of the phobia are 'the log' which was green and it glowed in the water when the sun hit it, and it went so deep that it disappeared into the dark depths of the lake.

Also, the water at the beach would have a nice sandy bottom and then it would drop off all of a sudden into colder darker water, it makes me react just to describe it.

Those are the two main ones, but really any dark water where I can't see the bottom or if there's stuff in the water like fallen trees or rocks or branches.

The last bad experience I had was canoeing down a river. I was pretty nervous the whole time but when the sun went behind the mountains I could no longer see the bottom of the river. It got pretty dark on the way back and my husband and I were new to the area and we were out in unknown woods, so the whole scenario was not conducive to me overcoming my fear.

All of a sudden a huge branch fell off a tree that was hanging over the water. I panicked and then brought it under control. Then, a couple minutes later, large items started slapping the water around the canoe causing big splashes.

I paddled for my life back to the shore, even my husband was scared, it turns out we were in beaver territory and that's just what they do - lol!

I'm pretty sure it has to do with fear of the unknown,
I feel threatened by it, like some monster is going to come out and grab me.
I feel like as soon as the water is dark, the monster is right there, just waiting for me to relax so it can strike.
I'm not afraid of real things like sea turtles and big fish, sharks a little, but it's mostly a make believe prehistoric type sea serpent thing that I think about, something too big to escape from.

Within the phobia possession I feel terror, I realize the irrationality but I feel like I need to get out of the water or die.
The reaction starts the moment I know I'm going to be going in to dark water.
I feel like I'm dependent on being 'extra alert' about what's going on in the water because if I relax for even a moment I wont be ready to run/swim to safety, which pretty much locks me into reacting every time.

I'm comforted by other people being in the water close to me.
When I used to drink I would be fine with a little booze in me, swimming around anywhere.
I'm comforted by seeing through the water to the bottom.
I'm more comfortable at high tide because I know it's just the beach under me.

I got over the mass amount of seaweed I have to walk through in Maine.
I got over swimming over the rocks at 'the river mouth.' But the ocean feels safer than lakes.

Towards lakes I have extensive fear. It's not the drowning that scares me, it's the idea of 'what could be in there' and I frequently imagine the initial snatch whenthe monster popps out for the first time. After that I feel pretty certain I'd go into shock and survival mode, but it's the not knowing and the imagined 'initial moment of realization' when the monster pops out and right before I assume I would go in to shock.
I have some good questions to ask myself tonight.

Support from ANNA:

Hi Kim

I have also had this specific fear and I agree that it reveals a fear of self as "the unknown", as darkness. If we look at bit more symbolic at it, it can also reveal a fear of that which Self has suppressed "under the surface" as emotions that is considered "monstrous" by Self.

What I have done practically with this is to focus on the experience when I am in the water and right before the experience of panic "sets in" before what I started to realize was that I was deliberately instigating the fear with inserting a tension, especially in the legs. And what I found to be the only way to stop, was to deliberately to swim slowly, feel my legs "in the darkness", deliberately pushing down instead of up and then continuing to do that until the experience is stopped while breathing and being comfortable in the water.

Support from KELLY:

Cool support Anna. I used to have reactions toward being the water too, exactly the fear of the unknown, when I couldn't see the bottom, when I'd feel something brush my foot, or that cold dark deep edge, fear of going over that edge, lol, yeah Ana the symbology is very interesting- fear of 'going over the edge' in the 'darkness'. I would get that panic feeling. I haven't been in any water sources for a while so I haven't walked that specifically in the physical. Looking at it now, I see the reaction of going into fear mode is actually 'scarier' to me than water (lol mean to type whatever), the fear-mode is scarier than what I might encounter/experience in the water- I mean, what you experience is there, it's just there and you'll have to face it, there'll be no choice about it, and to go into a fear state will take me away from here to be able-to-respond, and that is actually more 'scary' than the fear, lolol.
So, very cool, to walk oneself through stopping these reactions, so that you can be here and not go into the 'panic-mode' which we seem to 'think' is to help/protect us, but is actually not an effective solution to whatever may come up in the moment.

My use of the support: 

lol- ya, quite symbolic, now that i've re-read it.

The prehistoric monster could be my secret mind that seems so big and scary because I have been suppressing and avoiding it and because I have not shed light on it. It's a make-believe monster, just like the secret mind is not real or 'what is here actually.'

When ever I do some digging around and applying sf it never ends up being as big and bad as it seemed in my mind.

The fear that 'if I let my guard down, the monster will attack,' is like me being afraid to let down my fake face and my image because I have been using it as a protection and as a coping mechanism for so long. If I stop participation in ego I will be vulnerable and eaten alive.

Or, it is me keeping my mind going with energy, if I stop that participation in energy, my mind as me will die.
 
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ANNA:
This makes sense to me - actually the fear of being attacked by Self when allowing self to open up. You can also look at if there are specific emotions that you fear, suppressed, "unknown", "monstrous" emotions - as the water represents emotions. Also when I write through such realizations it is often very clear once I "see it" - so the after-rationalization only happens in the Mind, actually as yet another defense-mechanism of procrastinating and postponing facing the point.

In the actual situation of being run over by a car or eaten by a shark, it is simply facing the situation "head on" most likely in pain - but is there fear? Or is fear always and only in the anticipation? These are quite cool questions we can ask ourselves. 
 
Yes.

I have some good questions to ask myself tonight.

But first, yes, absolutely the fear is always and only ever in the anticipation, that's amazing to realize, even though I already knew, I wasn't 'ripe' to hear it actually until now because I have been realizing lately and walking through less difficult smoke screens which gave me a better understanding of the concept.

My questions are: what 'monstrous' emotions am I harboring, or what emotions do i feel i will attack myself over if I reveal them to myself?

And, why do i feel fear will protect me?

For question one, I'm connecting the feeling of the monster to feelings of being found to be a fraud. As in, I have this extensive fear that who I've accepted and allowed myself to become will be revealed and found out and it will destroy me.

Specific memories associated with this are, when about 5-15: lying to my parents and stealing money.

Revealing secrets told to me in confidence by friends/not being trustworthy.

Stealing and lying in general - I had no remorse at the time, because I never got caught, but if I had been caught I would have had to face myself and realize that I wasn't the nice little girl I believed myself to be, and who I had everyone else believe me to be. So I'm facing myself now and I'm ashamed of what I allowed myself to do due to the complete lack of regard for those who I stole from and lied to.

I think my monster is my own deceit, because if people knew how deceitful I was/am their image of me would be shattered, and I define myself based on that image so I would be shattered and die. Hence the life-or-death terror.

Within my self-forgiveness I would like to release this belief based on memories of the deceitful person I once was, and to shed some light in to the darkness of my mind to reveal that it isn't as bad as it seems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to specific memories of times where I was deceitful and acted in self-interest and stored the experience of deceit in my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to... (I just fell asleep at the keyboard) I'm going to push through this resistance and continue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the specific memories of lying to my parents about skipping school, stealing money from their wallets to buy candy, lying about where I was or where I was going. Lying about boys, drugs, who I was, smoking.
I'm constantly lying to myself about who I really am, and stealing energy from myself through participation in thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to my 'friends' about almost everything and never keeping their deepest secrets but instead gossiping behind their backs, telling myself I wasn't trustworthy and dependable, so that I would never be able to trust or depend on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to my intimate partners. I never felt a need to commit in a relationship I knew that if I didn't get caught I could do whatever I wanted. I buried self-judgment, shame and self-disgust about all these things which I need to face here and now.

I fell asleep again. I don't know if it's because of the extensiveness of this point within me or if I'm just that tired, so I will go to sleep and finish this I the a.m. now that I have the groundwork laid out.

The Next Day:

Due to the amount of resistance I have to the above topics, I know that what I am trying to uncover is something I hold to be a deep dark secret and have buried in the cold and dark depths of my mind. But I'm sick of it now and it needs to come out.

The statements I made in my previous post lack the clarity I would have liked. I don't know if I need to be more specific. I feel like I'm poking around in the dark.

It feels like I covered everything in those 5 vague and general sf statements, but they were too vague and general to have any effect.

So, I'm going to keep digging through writing about it.

I feel like I was the worst kind of person because I lacked any kind of morality and I felt no empathy for other people as long as there were no consequences, i.e. they didn't find out.

I don't know if the monster is the deceit, or is he the fear of exposure? Yes, that's more likely.

I can't let my guard down-I can't lay off this act because then I'll be seen for what I really am. And I have all this fear, shame and guilt built up from over the years that it has become this big scary thing. And because I don't want to know about it/admit it/acknowledge it, it is hidden in the deepest darkest places in my mind. Actually, it created those places.

The sea monster- being me- also creates fear in me with regards to how I will 'attack' myself and judge myself for who I was and what I have done, so I allow myself, right here and now, to continue expressing myself without fear. I will stand by myself through everything I will have to face, without judgment or self-sabotage.

I allow myself to hear myself without giving in to the safety of fearing myself.

I allow myself to realize my unconditional self-forgiveness is real, it is here and it is only waiting for me to accept its gift of grace as I am only waiting for me to accept myself in forgiveness.

I allow myself to let go without fear.

So, the past is in the past and I can't go back and change it, but I can change myself absolutely here, in forgiving myself for who I have been, and not repeat it.

I'm not that person anymore.

I'm just having a really hard time figuring out self-forgiveness on this for some reason.

So I'll look at specifics.

My first memory of being deceitful, wherein I would use the mentality that "I don't care what you say I'm going to do what I want one way or another" and I figured out the best way to get what I wanted was to be quiet and unnoticed and do it in secret.

I literally lived as corruption.

So my first memory of this behaviour was from when I was three and I was told I couldn't have cookies.

I secretly climbed up on to the counter to get to the cookie jar on top of the refrigerator. When I held on to the freezer door it opened and I slipped and was hanging on the freezer door for dear life- lol.

I didn't call for help because I thought my parents would know immediately what I was up to.

Finally my dad came into the kitchen and saw me hanging there, on the freezer door which was wide open. To my utter shock, he wasn't mad. He was very nice to me when I thought I should be in trouble. I think it was then that I started to realize that if people didn't know about the bad thing, there were no consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feared and anticipated my father's reaction of anger and disappointment that I felt he should have felt towards me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was actually feeling those things about myself because I was being deliberately deceptive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from those feelings and bury them deep inside of myself and fear them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate energetic charges of embarrassment, guilt and shame to this memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by these feeling about myself.

I allow myself to release myself from this memory and the energetic reactions and charges I have connected to it. I let it go so that it no longer directs me Here.

I just got this flash of wanting to go shopping. I think I used to go shopping to make myself feel better about all my hidden shames.

I also think my ocd, which includes feeling 'dirty' when I'm not actually, has to do with shame or guilt associated with this. I feel dirty and vile sometimes and I have to tell myself that I'm not.

The second memory is from when I was 6-7, I took apart this mechanical toy my mom had bought me. She found it dismantled and asked me if I had done it. She must have been upset because I was too scared to admit it so I made up an elaborate lie about how it belonged to my friend and we had traded toys and mine was at his house etc...

Well, she got my friend alone one day and asked him if it was true, he told her the truth and she was pissed. I got grounded for the first time in my life for lying and I was not allowed to watch a movie with my cousins.

I was so ashamed and angry I think I cried the whole time. But I was crying because I was embarrassed for my mom finding out what I was capable of. But instead of realizing these un-enjoyable consequences and facing myself and changing, I became better at lying, and I made extra certain I wouldn't get caught, and my personality has formed around this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in the face of facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself have lied to my mother when I knew it was wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become less than who I am in the face of fear of reprimand-fear of facing what self has accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have made a habit out of not facing fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use avoidance and dishonesty so as not to have to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have put more value and importance in the reactions of others toward me then on my actual character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take 'who I am' into consideration when choosing my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead look to my reflection, reflected to me by the reactions of others, to determine who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build my personality around being a good manipulator and deceiver, thus leading a double life of who I am and who I present myself as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear realizing I'm not the image, which entails me having to face what I have accepted and allowed in terms of abuse towards myself and others... it's time to face the music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used manipulation of myself and others to abuse in self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use deceit and dishonesty to abuse myself and others in self-interest.

I will continue for the next few days revealing all the memories I have clung to to confirm to myself that I have become a huge piece of shit of a human being, so that I can release them and build myself anew in a way that's best for all.

I allow myself to release myself from these memories and the energetic reactions and charges I have connected to them. I let them go so that they no longer directs me Here.
 

Ancient self-support (resupport)

by KimKline » Sun May 09, 2010 1:59 pm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define anything in terms of 'good' or 'bad' and not what's best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that when things are 'good' it is because i am doing something right and that i am excelling at something.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that when i define my situation as 'good' or 'happy' or 'doing well' etc... that i'm special or more than another, or am better at what i'm doing, or better than another in any way.

I notice when i start experiencing these things i inevitably fall and the discouragement and deflated feelings are equal in their intensity to the 'positive' feelings i had just before the fall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see process as some sort of competition, and i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my starting point to be that of 'doing better than the others' or 'sticking out and being noticed'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being plain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and judge myself and others based on their physical appearance and on their behaviours and actions. Therefor i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then script myself based on these judgment and definitions.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define myself and others at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself, and i forgive myself for not allowing myself to be completely self-honest nor completely clear on my starting point and therefor leave space for self-doubt and time-loops.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than my feelings and emotions, and i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my emotions to direct me. I am my own self-directive principle and following thoughts. feelings and emotions will only lead me in circles and confusions. it is a waste of time.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am not strong enough to commit fully to process, or that i can't stand up to beings. I only have myself to face.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself, to fear facing what i've accepted and allowed, and to believe that i am smaller than what i have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt desteni because no one around me belives in it and because of the anti-desteni videos, and i forgive myself for allowing this to plant self-doubt within myself, leading myself to tell myself that i am crazy for taking this so seriously.
It is common sense, i know what must be done.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be influenced by others in my world, and for allowing the fact that no one else seems to care to affect my determination and self-will.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to abdicated my personal responsibility because taking responsibility is not the popular thing to do.
I forgivve myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself and others because i see that no one else is doing it which leads me to feel that i am wasting my time because i feel alone and as though i will have no impact outside myself.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to breathe through my 'issues' as they arise, and instead everytime i fall, believing i can't do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to my obsessive compulsions, every time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to script and create characters for myself to be depending on the situation or people present.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing who i really am.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the unknown, and to fear walking in to it in any way.
Nothing can harm who i really am. I can not lose myself - i am already lost.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear who i really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own power.
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my personal;ity, body language, mannerisms, tone of voice, facial expressions etc... depending on who is in my presence.
i forive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self-expression because other people are in my presence.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being exposed
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to front myself and to believe that front is greater than who i really am, and then to fear being exposed as less than the image i've created.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than my creation.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to live my self actually
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to be less than my words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel i have to prove myself in social situations
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that people must like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self to only the behaviours that i think people will like.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use my youth and sexuality to seduce men in the past in order to feel secure in this world
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my power in my appearance
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to try and seduce men out of fear of my own survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define mysefl based on my appearance.
That will change, it is not who i am, it is not what's important.
I fogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel better about myself when people are attracted to me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place importance in my appearence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being more attractive makes one more important.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feed the energetic feelings of accomplishment, success and security when i feel a person is attracted to me.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear aging because i fear i will lose my power.

Temptations, Cravings and 'Rewards,' NO!

I just handed in a big final take-home exam that had been consuming me for the past 3-4 days. I handed it in and left class because there was no reason to stick around.

As I was going down the escalators I realized that my mind was desperately wanting something, it was looking to be rewarded for all that hard work. First it wanted booze, to go out and have a big hoorah to release all the seriousness and focus I had just endured. So I breathed in self-honesty to check if I still had the desire, and it was a no. The desire wasn't real, it was habit.

When I ruled out booze, smoking came up. I can have a cigarette, what a nice treat! So again, I breathed, nope, not real.

Candy? I'm always up for some candy! -breathed, no, not real.
Well at least I can have icecream when I get home. -Nope, not tempting.

Well I can't just go home and get nothing after all that hard work! -yes, actually I can, and I am not diminished, I am actually a little more stable.

This  was one of the hundreds of little battles that go on in my mind during the day. I don't 'deserve' or 'need' to be rewarded or to go out and party because I applied myself at something. This is what you call participation in polarity, where there's 'only working' and 'only relaxing', two separate states of being that need to balance each other out, when really it is just  suppression and/or escape/entertainment..

I don't release anything when I eat, smoke, drink or party. I suppress. That is why I need to live breath by breath, aware in every moment of what my mind is up to, where is it trying to tempt me away from facing myself and facing reality, and breathe through those temptations, because they are escapes. I did not resist the temptations, I saw them for what they really were.

Whatever we resist persists. I face me here, in every moment.

So, I breathed through it this time, but this is the first time I displayed that much directive over myself when it comes to this type of thing, so I'm going to do self-forgiveness for the temptations I manifest as well as for past failings that I carry around. I need to release them so that I don't cycle them back into my present awareness during weak moments and use them against myself in self-sabotage.

I just remembered that a couple of days ago I felt I had been doing pretty well with breathing through sugar craving and not caving in self-defeat, so I thought I was ready for 21 days without sugar. I started the morning off well, with no sugar in my coffee, and then I said it out loud to my mom, "I'm not going to eat sugar for 21 days."

The moment I said that I had an immediate sugar craving. Every time I saw something sweet I had serious charges within my body, longing, feeling deprived, fantasizing....
That night as I was working on my paper I couldn't resist it anymore. In a moment of absolute weakness and self sabotage I drove to mini-cout and bought chocolate and fizzy balls and ate till I was sick!!!!

So, needless to say I fell. Forgiveness is required so that I can build myself back up and eventually stand as stability in the face of anything my mind throws at me. I've got a ways to go, but I am experiencing the slow shift towards stability. Today I stood, +1.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the awareness to catch desires the moment they pop up, and see them for what they really are. Instead I let them free to build themselves up until they are unconquerable forces.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my desires build up and become too big for me to let go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these desires are real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have nothing to do with their existence, when in fact I feed them with images, word associations, thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my desires so that I cave in to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create cravings within myself, using the same techniques as above.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience self-pity and disappointment when I don't get what I want. I am here, stable, I allow myself to remain unaffected by my desires and stable within not feeding them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave like a child who doesn't get what it wants. I allow myself to parent myself using discipline and self-will. I move myself according to what is best for all, therefor what is best for me. Self first, I take care of self in every moment so that I can be effective and stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to be rewarded and relax after I've done something focused.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let desires come up in my mind and believe them to be needs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted away from facing myself by manifested desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself by succumbing to desires in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create energetic charges within myself that make my manifested desires seem so real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in polarity instead of remaining here, constant.

In this self-forgiveness, I allow myself to remain aware of my mind's tendency to manifest the experience of desires and cravings, and I allow myself to breathe through them the moment they come up, knowing that is the only way to be effective at directing myself through cravings, temptations and desires.

I also allow myself to remain stable and not participate in polarity. I am here, constant. I allow myself to live without participation in energy.

I trust myself to live these corrective statements.I trust myself to remain here. I trust myself to be aware in every moment.

Desteni Style Conversation- super supportive through a point

My question is, when one is experiencing a moment of possession, is there anything to do in the moment. When I become possessed, I try to bring myself back here and I get no response, I try to breath but it's very forced and uncomfortable, I try sf but I feel no clarity.

Is it best to just wait it out, like, breathe until it's over? Or to apply the tools even if they don't seem to be working? When I get like that I feel like it's going to last forever.

Also, if bulimics are possessed all the time, does that mean I am too with ocd? Possessed all the time?


Darryl  

 As possession is entirely energetic in nature, I found that there was really nothing I could do until the energy ran out of juice. The best way I found to keep a possession going is to keep feeding it thoughts and back chats that built up the possession in the first place. Changing environments sometimes helped me, as did physical movement, self-forgiveness. But if I kept entertaining the thoughts, the possession just lasted longer until it eventually depletes.


KimKline   Makes sense darryl. Thanks

_________________
Maya  

Yeah, I agree with Darryl - Changing the environment - doing something different.
For me it is either watching TV, playing the guitar, Walking out side with the dogs or going to sleep - what ever i can do to not feed the energy more than its already is.
Though - to make sure I won't suppress the point by going to sleep or occupying myself - i take on this point once i'm back here.

Another supporting way is to talk with a Destonian on skype. where i know that i'm not seeing myself, not able to support myself and direct myself due to the possession, the other stand as a support pillar as equal as one as me, and thus able to show me what i've allowed that manifested to possession. then i apply SF with or without the other being.

_________________

KimKline    Thanks Maya.

I actually just applied your advice, I was having trouble focusing just now (I'm doing research for a term paper), I was going in to a possession where I felt I had very little control over myself so I went to go lie down for a bit.

I experienced a really bad physical feeling, not pain, but extreme discomfort. Is this normal? Is it connected to not feeding energy? Have anyone else experienced this?

Anna
Quote:The best way I found to keep a possession going is to keep feeding it thoughts and back chats that built up the possession in the first place.-End quote.
LOL Darryl - Yes.

Cathy  Quote: KimKline
I experienced a really bad physical feeling, not pain, but extreme discomfort. Is this normal? Is it connected to not feeding energy? Have anyone else experienced this?


Hi Kim - I'm not quite sure exactly how you experienced what you're referring to as a 'bad physical feeling', though, I have had similar where it almost felt like an impending doom rising from within me. Continue breathing and allow any 'energy' to move through you. Also a couple of times I allowed an external event together with thoughts to become internalized within me where I would experience anxiety which was generated from the starting point of fear which I then experienced similar. What assisted me was to write out what my thoughts were before and exactly how I was experiencing myself in the moment as detailed as possible.


Anna   KimKline wrote:
Thanks Maya.

I actually just applied your advice, I was having trouble focusing just now (I'm doing research for a term paper), I was going in to a possession where I felt I had very little control over myself so I went to go lie down for a bit.

I experienced a really bad physical feeling, not pain, but extreme discomfort. Is this normal? Is it connected to not feeding energy? Have anyone else experienced this? -End Quote.


I often experience physical uncomfortably during the day and often it will be in relation to a specific point. So what I can do is to write it out, ask myself: what was the thoughts right before this experience started? I also check Veno's Structural Resonance documents for reference.

Besides this - simply doing something Physical is the most Supportive I have found -and being focused within a specific point, such as writing.




Kimkline: Thanks Cathy and Anna.

Quote:
Hi Kim - I'm not quite sure exactly how you experienced what you're referring to as a 'bad physical feeling', though, I have had similar where it almost felt like an impending doom rising from within me. Continue breathing and allow any 'energy' to move through you. Also a couple of times I allowed an external event together with thoughts to become internalized within me where I would experience anxiety which was generated from the starting point of fear which I then experienced similar. What assisted me was to write out what my thoughts were before and exactly how I was experiencing myself in the moment as detailed as possible.


I'm not quite sure either Cathy, but it's been happening more, well, maybe 7-8 times. It's usually right when I lie down, but only if it's a self-directed lying down where I'm directing myself to lie down because I'm feeling possessed or something.

I've thought about it being doom or anxiety, but I'm pretty familiar with those feelings, this is different. It's purely physical.

It happens so few and far between that I don't remember to take note of what I was thinking just before it happens, I just go for the ride and it throws me for a loop. -End Quote.

Thanks for the advice. I'll remember to take note next time now that I've brought it up and talked about it.




KimKline



 Quote:
Also, if bulimics are possessed all the time, does that mean I am too with ocd? Possessed all the time?


+

Quote:
The best way I found to keep a possession going is to keep feeding it thoughts and back chats that built up the possession in the first place.


=

lol!

Maya
 KimKline wrote:

I experienced a really bad physical feeling, not pain, but extreme discomfort. Is this normal? Is it connected to not feeding energy? Have anyone else experienced this?


As I experience it, the discomfort indicates compounded energy due to acceptance and allowed back chat.
When I have this uncomforted feeling, it is usually when i already see the solution or what I'm require to do, but at the same time I don't want to, not willing to let go and actually change. Than, it is manifested as huge headache - which is already manifested consequence.




KimKline


 You might be on to something Maya. I think I know where to start. Thank you.

Maya  KimKline wrote:
You might be on to something Maya. I think I know where to start. Thank you.


Awesome - keep us updated


KimKline

 I'm pretty sure what it was is the fact that I had realized a problem, done the necessary self-forgiveness, written my self-corrective statements, declared that I was ready to live them, and then opportunity upon opportunity went by as I continuously avoided facing myself.

The experience of absolute frustration and possibly hopelessness/anger within myself had built up to a point where I could no longer focus, I went to go lie down to diffuse it and it had become physical.

It had to do with directing myself within schoolwork which is what I started my 21 days of writing with. I have a particular experience within school because I had a formative experience as a child where I would go completely into the mind and escape during school, waiting out the day as if it were some form of torture I had to be subjected to -patterns I have been falling for ever since. I was labeled as 'slow' and put in special classes which confirmed to me any self-definition I had held of being incapable of doing what others could do. I felt like I had a design flaw so what was the point in trying?

So now I'm facing this accepted and allowed behaviour after more than 20 years of it being a big part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. It has been frustrating me that I see the problem and have not walked my self-stated solution. Luckily I'm back in the same situation with having to direct my focus through a large project today, so I'll be back at it, pushing myself to walk my self-correction.

Ann   KimKline wrote:
I'm pretty sure what it was is the fact that I had realized a problem, done the necessary self-forgiveness, written my self-corrective statements, declared that I was ready to live them, and then opportunity upon opportunity went by as I continuously avoided facing myself.

The experience of absolute frustration and possibly hopelessness/anger within myself had built up to a point where I could no longer focus, I went to go lie down to diffuse it and it had become physical.

It had to do with directing myself within schoolwork which is what I started my 21 days of writing with. I have a particular experience within school because I had a formative experience as a child where I would go completely into the mind and escape during school, waiting out the day as if it were some form of torture I had to be subjected to -patterns I have been falling for ever since. I was labeled as 'slow' and put in special classes which confirmed to me any self-definition I had held of being incapable of doing what others could do. I felt like I had a design flaw so what was the point in trying?

So now I'm facing this accepted and allowed behaviour after more than 20 years of it being a big part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. It has been frustrating me that I see the problem and have not walked my self-stated solution. Luckily I'm back in the same situation with having to direct my focus through a large project today, so I'll be back at it, pushing myself to walk my self-correction. End Quote.



Yep thats what it comes down do, to actually just do it. Even when you dont feel like it, when you know you gotta do it just do it. Dont contemplate it, really push yourself. And until you learn that there is nothing that can help you. And I know what your talking about lol I often had it that I didnt want to start boring schoolwork. But I had to push myself and then I actually liked it. Part of it is also not thinking 'oh i would like to do something else', or 'i want to check this or that', not following such thoughts but really staying with what you are doing. So unless you push yourself no one will.


Ya Ann,

Once I got started and recognized that the physical resistance I was feeling was actually the physical manifestation of my own backchat, it really made it easier to push through.

When I start feeling like the work is really hard or long etc... I check my backchat and it's saying : this is too difficult for you, your paper is not up to par, your arguments are silly, this is taking too long, i'd rather be eating something etc etc etc etc...... then I remember it's not true, it's not too difficult, my paper is fine, my arguments are solid, it's taking as long as it needs to, I just had dinner etc etc etc.... and then the feeling goes away! I actually enjoyed it this time too, which is awesome.

Facing (Myself Within) Others

Starting off with some writing support from Anna:

Cool Kim - Self-Support in Self-Forgiveness. I suggest also start making Self-Corrective Statements as a "Consolidation" of Points Realized and brought back to Self-Responsibility and Self-Support.

So for example:
I Support me
I Trust me

I often write "I Allow me to..." for example: "Live Self-Trust"

In the beginning I did not believe me when I wrote and spoke these sentences, so it requires patience and sometimes to "fake it till you make it" - so for me it has been important to not "over-do" or "over-dramatize" the Points, so that I am Actually writing what IS Supporting and what I can in this Moment Start Living - and at the same time not limiting myself by diminishing the point.

                                         ---------------------------------------------------

Bella also said something cool in a reply to another post, which was that when she writes, she gives the writings Direction both before and after she writes. This I started Applying as well so that the writing is not "hanging in the air" when I am done, but that I am actually preparing myself to Walk the Correction in the Physical.

So if for example the point was about judgment, I can state for myself that I do not Accept myself to Judge and how to practically Correct the Point when I "Walk into it", by for example Breathing through the reaction and stopping the thoughts. This is cool, because we within this become the Directive Principle of who and what we Participate within and as, slowly but surely Standing up.

With giving writings Direction in the beginning of writing, I also found very Assisting - so that I will not write from or in an experience and actually validating it - but to immediately "go to" The most Self-Honest Common Sense that I can see within the moment - and then from there I can "unwrap" it even further, and then I have placed a foundation and starting-point that is of Self-Support as myself.


My Self-Forgiveness on facing (myself within) Others

Ok, I'll try framing my writing, that makes sense and having my writing 'hanging in the air' was something that had occurred to me but only in fleeting moments that I didn't use to resolve the problem.

Tonight I wanted to write about my backchat that involves me defending myself in situations involving my unusual behaviour from desteni around others. For example not drinking at a celebration or not participating in judgments that seem harmless.

In self-honesty, I understand that when I walk into these situations I may feel uncertain and unstable because my self-honesty and self-corrective application is not yet automatic, so I stumble.

In these situations I realize I have to breathe through the fear and not allow myself to diminish myself by stumbling.

What fear causes me to stumble?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgment from others because I fear my behaviour might appear odd to them.

I am the only judge of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge principled living as odd behaviour.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to stick up for myself or explain myself to another, because I believe if they don't believe me or agree with me, they will judge me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest that fear of judgment as feeling attacked. If someone doesn't agree with what I am doing I feel judged/attacked so I get defensive and judge back because I think I am right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for not automatically agreeing with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will lose my words and not be able to express myself in the face of confrontation.

It's not about being right or wrong, it's about living my process so that it is not knowledge and information, but actual living words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncertain about my application, within this I reveal that I feel uncertain within myself.

Time and diligence are the only way I can built up the self-trust that will bring with it the certainty that will allow me to prevail in all situations.

I allow myself to develop the self-trust and certainty within myself to prevail through any situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand alone among others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable standing alone among others because I am used to fitting in.

I allow myself to stand out among others as I live according to my principles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contort myself to fit in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being noticed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear drawing attention to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in ways which accommodate the egos of others,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation for challenging an ego.

I allow myself to stand as stability and stillness within.

When alone or one-on-one with non-destonians, I allow myself to breathe in the moment, without judgment or fear, because I am alone with myself in self-honesty wherein I am forgiven in every moment. I breathe in self-forgiveness, I breathe out self-honesty.

Future Projections

Tonight I would like to talk about my future projections.

I am not comfortable and accepting of the uncertainty surrounding my future plans and it makes me feel insecure.

The things my backchat continuously brings up are mainly:

Which country am I going to live in, if in the US how will my Canadian education fare? If I decide I will be more effective in Canada that means facing my husband with what I feel is a completely selfish decision.

I will stand with my husband as my mind and face him and support him as I live my process -but can I do this on my own without the support of an agreement? The others in agreements are getting so much more support from each other and i NEED that and I'm jealous! -lol!

How will I be able to afford dip? I will be swallowed in debt. What if the economy collapses before I get a job -omg lol!!

Ok,

[quote]Which country am I going to live in, if in the US how will my Canadian education fare? If I decide I will be more effective in Canada that means facing my husband with what I feel is a completely selfish decision.
[/quote]

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harp on where I am going to live. Regardless of what country I end up in, I will be effective as long as I push myself within this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure about my future in this way because it means I am already questioning my application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project failure into the future, thus setting myself up for failing in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or at least setting myself up for a more difficult process.

I stop my projection of fear and insecurity into the future and I do not question my application as it will change with time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly want to live in Canada and not the U.S. because I have the support and security of my family here and I only have my husband there who requires being faced.

The truth is I'm better off there being independent and self-responsible, and facing my husband has so far been one of the most effective and challenging walking of my corrective application, therefor some of the most supportive walking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question and worry about the validity of my Canadian education abroad. It is what I make of it, there are no guarantees either way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the financial responsibility of moving back in with my husband -this is just unfounded, it is cycled fear from the past and I stop this immediately.

[quote]I will stand with my husband as my mind and face him and support him as I live my process -but can I do this on my own without the support of an agreement? The others in agreements are getting so much more support from each other and i NEED that and I'm jealous! -lol![/quote]

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my husband as me.
I face myself in every moment and through all experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear his reactions to me, I have stood and will continue to stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation from him.
I have survived the confrontation so far, and he has stood with me on every occasion, challenging me at first as me, helping me to clarify points within me. I support him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated and discouraged that he is not in process. Each is in their own process, I can only walk my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plant the belief that I can't do this on my own without an agreement.
I stand alone and face my specific situation, directing it as necessary.
I allow myself to face myself alone, as we are all alone in our processes, and I have the support of the forum to assist and support me in facing myself alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of those in agreements.
I do not require an agreement to walk my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to second quess myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself as an excuse not to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this backchat.

forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the lie that I NEED something to get me through this.
I allow myself to get through this one. breath. at. a. time.

[quote]How will I be able to afford dip? I will be swallowed in debt. What if the economy collapses before I get a job -omg lol!![/quote]

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear debt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give debt worth and power in definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give the fear of debt power over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I'll never get out of debt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the living lie of the power debt has over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the financial self trust in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this relationship with money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as incapable of having control over money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the idea of money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a minimum-wage or paycheck-to-paycheck working with no possibility of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as less than money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give money power within the definition I hold of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being swallowed by debt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to pay my debt.

These are projections creating fear within my present experience and I do not allow this.

I allow myself to be the directive principle over money in my life.

I allow myself to take control of my finances and work them in a way that is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to qustion my ability to control my finances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to that backchat, it is only backchat designed to undermine me,

self-confidence +2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on 'feeling' self-confident, I move myself through energetic reactions and self-judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of confident - insecure. I breathe here and allow myself to exist without participating in energy.

Within all this I realize that future projection cause reaction within my present moment, that nothing is solved in the mind, that this behaviour is destructive and that I am required to be aware of these tendencies within me.

I stop my projections in to the future to stop my fear and uncertainty.

I allow myself to exist without fear and uncertainty.

I realize that after a hard day's work, backchat can be fucking hilarious.

oh ya, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the economy collapsing before I take dip.

slipping, slowly, submitting

I have definitely experienced some serious reality checks which I have been denying for the past couple days but now they have become undeniable.

First of all, I have to admit that I have, over the past week or 29 years or so, not been my directive principle. The experience has been like I am a passenger in this gigantic robot, and I'll command it but in the end it does what it wants.

Lately I've been planning out my days and I'll find it very difficult to stick to that plan, but it is not difficult, it's just not happening. I guess I'm realizing how little control I have over myself.

In terms of my ocd, it's like, I'll look at my hands and think to myself, I don't even have control over my own two hands. They have a life of their own.

This had been getting worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit my directive principle to my mind and act as a passenger wherein I allow my mind to be captain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to be the captain of me, it will only lead me nowhere fast. I need to stand up now and take back control of my body and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind, where I believe things are easier and more comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that taking the mind route is the easier route. The opposite id true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to take the easy way out of life and not stand up because it's hard or uncomfortable for me.

I don't participate in those beliefs and let them pass over my as they come up. They do not serve me and I know they are created by my mind in order to have me repeat some pattern that has never served me nor done anythiing good in my life. Stopping the participation, standing up and directing myself are the only things that have even done anything to serve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can't do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the bad feeling I get when I push myself will last forever.

I am not lazy, I move myself through life responsibly, doing things thoughtfully and attentively, improving myself within every challenge.

I can do it, I am doing it, I will apply myself a little more with every challenge.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that, when I'm alone, I don't count, meaning, I feel my actions are irrelevant and inconsequential. In this case, the opposite is true. It is when I am alone that I am most myself, without anybody to tell me who I am or reflect myself back to me. This is when my actions matter most because I am alone with me and all I have to count on is my self-direction.

I have to snap out of this funk and face myself now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip back into the mind, I bring myself back here now. Every moment counts, it all matters

i'd like to unpack two heavy pieces of baggage that I'm done carrying around.

1) The cottage
2) AIDS

1) My mom and dad built an amazing cottage on an island in a lake north west of montreal.

They did the work all themselves with the help of their friends and family. My mom was pregnant with my sister while it was being built, my dad put a lot in to it, he designed it.

My sister and I grew up there, it was a big part of our lives up until we were teenagers. It was a big part of the whole family.

One weekend I had some friends up. We were about 17-18, one of the friend's was about to become my first boyfriend.

Monday morning, we were back in montreal, and we got an early phone call that the cottage had burned down.

I felt numb, I burried my feelings deep.

I told the guy who would later be my boyfriend about it, and he said he had smoked a cigarette behind the cabin right before we left to go home. He said he put it out under the cabin (near the propane tanks), and that he made sure it was out.

I don't know why he told me that, and I don't know if it was the cause of the fire. The truth is, it likely was.

I didn't tell my parents because I started dating that boy and I didn't want them to hate him.

Also, I wasn't positive he was the cause.

Also I figured what's done is done, telling on him wouldn't make a difference.

Besides, my family took it pretty well, my dad especially.

But then weeks later, my dad and I were talking in the kitchen about it, and he just started telling me about all the things he could have done wrong - not turned off the water heater, -left a propane tank on, -not closed a propane lamp properly. All things that he had always been adamant about checking every time... the he broke down.

That was the first time I saw him cry in my life. To this day I wonder if he carries guilt or anything around, and I always wrestled with whether or not I should tell him. I still don't know. At this point, so much time has passed that it seems like it would be dredging up too much. So I made the decision not to tell him, but I always felt bad about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around emotions that I manifested in the past due to actions I took in self-preservation and self interest, not taking all in to consideration, and I bring it back here, to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest out of fear of reprimand and conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold information from another, thus burdening myself with guilt because I thought I was saving another from reprimand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-interest above that of the potential truth and honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to something and define myself by it and be affected by it when I was in an impossible situation as I didn't know the truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and responsible for my dad's breakdown, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry those feelings around with me my whole life instead of letting them go because they do not serve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause of my dad's breakdown and to carry shame and anger with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also feel empowered at the same time, because I had this information that could change the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience this empowerment because I actually wanted power over my own mind and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel empowered because if I told, he would be in big trouble.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience feelings of empowerment due to the power I held of allowing or not allowing another to experience consequences, when what I really want is that same power over my own consequences.

_________________

Coming back from the Edge -back into Focus

day 10-

I can feel myself slipping back to the way things were.

I just experienced a week where I had a lot of schoolwork due as well as other responsibilities, which made me very busy. I didn't handle myself perfectly but I do see some progress in my effectiveness in juggling tasks.

Before I just avoided everything and lived a life where I had minimal responsibilities because a became overwhelmed easily. Now I'm pushing through the points of getting things done and keeping up on them. As it turns out, very little is done in one step, most everything requires follow up. I dropped the ball on a few things, but I will do them first thing tomorrow.

This evening I had some time and I realized that all the busyness kept me focused. But it wasn't a self-directed focus, it was more like a go-with-the-flow movement. Then all of a sudden I was idle, and I began to slip.

The good thing is I directed myself within stress, both by not participating in it, by stopping it and by breathing through it and bringing myself back when it would start to get the best of me. Last semester exam period broke me down, not this time.

My question is, when one is experiencing a moment of possession, is there anything to do in the moment. When I become possessed, I try to bring myself back here and I get no response, I try to breath but it's very forced and uncomfortable, I try sf but I feel no clarity.

Is it best to just wait it out, like, breathe until it's over? Or to apply the tools even if they don't seem to be working? When I get like that I feel like it's going to last forever.

Also, if bulimics are possessed all the time, does that mean I am too with ocd? Possessed all the time?

Anyways, I'm just taking this moment to stop slipping. To regain my stability, and to forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear illness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape into mind possessions so I don't have to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting people down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear spiraling out of control.

My sf is everywhere.

I'll focus on focus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose my focus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread myself out too thin and missing what's here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself within focus, wherein focusing involves taking in to account what is here and using common sense to mmove myself effectively. Lack of focus is when I drift around through the day taking my time to accomplish nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid focusing myself in order to avoid facing myself and my reality in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid focusing my attention on what's important to my situation at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to see everything which stops me from seeing anything clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that focusing is hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that focusing is boring and strenuous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to win the focus/don't focus battle because I believe it to be hard to focus and easy to drift around in the clouds, clouding my vision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct myself here in awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe because I put effort in all week, that I 'deserve a break." My whole life has been a break.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of busy/stagnant.

I breathe through my resistance to focusing, let the waves pass over me, they will lessen.

I slow down so that I can realize when I'm not focused, stop, breathe and use common sense by asking myself:

what am I trying to do right now?

What is my starting point within this?

Who am I within this?

What is my relationship to this?

What common sense can I use to determine my next move?

Breathe through the resistances and move

My long lost friend -me

Day 11-

I was just breathing and searching myself to see what would come up and what came up was the face of my old 'best friend' from childhood and a wave of emotion rolled over me.

First my mind went through my sister, mom, dad, husband, the guy I met up with yesterday, and I got no reactions. But then this girl's face popped up, I haven't seen her in maybe 10 years.

We were really close, like sisters.

I got really jealous when she started getting boyfriends because I really wanted one.

She always made an effort to include me in her life even when she was dating someone.

She moved away for a very long time but we kept close touch and visited each other.

I was always slightly annoyed by her neediness and never quite put in the same dedication and commitment to our relationship.

She was open and I was closed.

When she came back I was less interested in returning to the same relationship we had as children because I was dating my future husband.

I felt she was very needy and one day I snapped, and said some hurtful things to her. She left town soon after.

She came back a while later but it wasn't the same, there was a coldness and neither of us were budging. So she left again, for good.

She called me once to see if I was ok and to ask me to let her know if I died.

Years passed and I tracked her down to resolve things, a couple emails back and forth and a lot of pent up anger came out on both our behalf's, especially mine. Her anger came out in deleting me from her life.

I've always wanted to apologize to her, even though I'm not interested in the type of relationship she would provide. I've felt unsettled ever since.

So, what does she represent to me as my mind?

Her faithfulness and devotion made me feel loved and wanted and cherished -my mind misses that from a female friend.

I experienced adoration from her, as well as a responsibility toward her, to protect her and encourage her and take care of her. Later on I became a mess and she took care of me.

She represents a point in my childhood where life was exciting and we were invincible. We had adventures and I miss experiencing life like that.

She represents my past and my childhood and a big part of who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by this story of my life, and attaching this definition to cf.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I have lost this part of myself as memories, because she is no longer in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define cf as a part of me that I have lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself and my memories on to her, thus keeping them alive for me to react to every time I think of her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'miss' her wherein I am actually missing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself because I have projected myself on to her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the things I said to her, namely 'it's time for you to grow up and take care of yourself'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I hurt her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I let her down and disappointed her by not living up to her image of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I abandoned her, that I broke her heart because I 'meant so much to her'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive I meant anything to her, she was reacting to herself through me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry so much about letting others down, especially when it means compromising who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am causing others to react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest great sadness and longing when I think of her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sadness and longing to hurt myself and make myself feel bad about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nostalgic about our friend ship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from who I was as a child and kid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as having 'passed that stage'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate shame with the idea of who I had become when she got back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced 'letting her down' because i had sold myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was ashamed around her when I was really ashamed of myself, but I separated myself from it and convinced myself it was her, and not me who I was ashamed around.

II forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself through projecting on to her the disappointment I felt towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have projected my embarrassment for having sold myself on to her instead of facing it within myself so I could change.

Instead I remained the same and allowed myself to continue down a path of destruction.

Instead I remained the same and allowed myself to miss myself, a part of myself as who I used to be. I have always been here.

Instead I remained the same and allowed myself to let myself down.

Instead I remained the same and allowed myself to abeandone myself, especially in a time of need.