Day 6- Perceiving Perceptions

Perceived Perceptions

Support From Anna:

"We don't actually know what others think about us. Thus what we believe that they think about us, is actually what we think about/back-chat about/Judge ourselves.
So this is a cool way to take Self-Responsibility - to see what it is we believe others think about us or judge us for and then bring it back to Self.

Here are some cool videos by Sunette about Judgment and Self-Image"

Judgment-The Good and the Bad: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm_qovfQ8Lw 

Self-Image and Fear of Others 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8t5CLeGnGE
Self-Image and Fear of Others 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIhfgub0XHg
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Cool videos! 

I have actually already watched them around the time they were released, but because I hadn't at that point started opening up the points within myself, (although I saw the common sense in them back then), I watched them with fresh eyes tonight.

It's videos like these where, at least in my experience, you think you're having these super personal secret and oftentimes shameful experiences within yourself and then there's this girl reading your secret script on a screen in front of your face!

It's this undeniable truth that surpasses doubt because she's so specific and accurate in the points she addresses that there's no room for interpretation. It simply is what it is - the truth.

Anyway, I'm going to write a list of what I perceive people to be thinking about me, how I believe they see me and how I feel they feel about me, as was suggested in the video.

How do 'people' see me?

Beautiful -only if I've determined that I look ok before I left the house. Meaning, my hair looks good, I haven't picked my face so my skin looks nice, maybe I put on a little makeup or I like my outfit or whatever. Maybe I feel like my clothes are very flattering.

So what this indicates is my desire to be beautiful.

My desire to be attractive, to have males look at me and be drawn to me (giving me perceived power over them) or for females to look at me and be jealous.

Already I see how abusive this self-judgment is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more beautiful than other women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do certain specific things before I leave the house to ensure my experience of feeling beautiful when I'm around others out in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful so that I can attract men and manipulate them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful so that I can make other women jealous thus making me feel less insecure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse other women in order to make me 'feel' more secure instead of facing and taking responsibility for my own insecurities. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to manipulate others in order to manifest a certain positive experience for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energetic rush of desire I get when I feel beautiful, and then someone glances at me and so I automatically assume they are thinking I am beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse men by desiring them to want me so that I can manipulate them further, to further my self-image.

Plain-

Sometimes I feel really plain, especially since I stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair all them time. My biggest issue here is that I worry people will think that I'm gay. It's not a point about being gay for me, it's more fear of the butch steriotype because I am very tall and broad-shouldered and I have masculine features.

When I was little people used to mistake me for a boy all the time and it used to absolutely humiliate me, I would be so ashamed if it happened in front of my family. But secretly at the time I wished I were a boy. I wonder if I AM gay? I don't even know! I never  felt  drawn to one sex over the other. I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter.

My first sexual experience was with a woman and I liked it and then my experiences with males after that were not so enjoyable. Hmmm...

I'm currently working on non-judgemental sex where touch is just touch, and I'm expressing myself without fear or acting or desire etc... and it's been very nice. I have been enjoying myself with a man now more than I ever have before. So if I am bi or gay or straight, it is irrelevant to me now. But the fact that I don't know makes me feel insecure.

so, believing others see me as plain reveals to me about myself that I'm uncertain of my sexual orientation. COOL!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by my sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being defined by my sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being certain about my sexual orientation, and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure in not knowing something so intimate about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the self-intimacy to know my own sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others based on their sexual orientation.

-OR-

something that just came up is that if a male looks at me and I perceive him to be thinking that I look plain and assessing from that that I'm gay, in that I feel I have lost my ability to manipulate him as I can no longer control him with sex.

Anytime I have used sex as a manipulator it has been to make myself feel better about myself, so sex has been very abusive in nature in my life in that way.

Also, a couple of bad incidents has confirmed to me (in my mind) that all males want from women is sex, or that they want that primarily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself and my partners with dishonest manipulative sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself, sexually throughout my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused others sexually throughout my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have removed all innocence from sex.

To be continued.... sf is so cool.